3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
