Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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