her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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