bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
