she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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