You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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