some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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