this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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