god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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