I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
