Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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