I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
