I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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