I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
