I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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