don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
