I will die if light touches me.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
