If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
