I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
