Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
