you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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