I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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