I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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