I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
