apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
