As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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