The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
