My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize