I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
we're making bets on your personal life
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
