Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
