hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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