Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
