I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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