dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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