I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
