when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
