Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
