Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
