Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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