If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
