omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
