Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
