I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
