dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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