my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
