This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
