I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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