So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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