When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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