it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
