it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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