I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
