I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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