woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
