I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
