I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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