i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
