i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
