I just gift wrapped bread.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
