you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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