"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
